Welcome Back, Wonder.
- Wonder
- Jun 18, 2023
- 7 min read
Here we are, Beginning again. Every month the moon cycles, and does its cosmic dance with us. As we sit on this rock, out in the middle of nowhere, and somehow a distant satellite, our moon helps us with a little bit of gravity and a whole lot of intention. I started this specific journey at the end of 2017, here today I sit writing, for all to read about the struggles misfortunes and tribulations I have overcome to get where I am m now. Don’t get me wrong. There was a lot of great times as well. I don’t think I could ever endure a life with all good times, or consistent hardship. It’s all about the balance, the ebb & flow. I know a lot of this sounds cliché, and those clichés we know, so well are exactly what they are, because they are exactly that… Truth. I think that’s what draws me in the most. The truth of it all. I’ve always wanted to know the real deal, searched for the truth and advocated for honesty. When I was growing up, I always questioned why, and I never got the answers I expected . On Taylor, Swift’s new album, Midnights, there is a song called Mastermind. One of the lines in the song goes like this., “ No one wanted to play with me when I was a little kid, so I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since. To make them love me and make it seem effortless.” I heard this lyrics when the album came out, and I just started to think, differently, much different than I have in a very long time. It started to become evident that I have been hiding from myself, for months, years even decades. I couldn’t understand after all the hard work I had put into myself, my recovery, the development of my sobriety from codependence among other things, here are was, back at square one. Or at least that’s how it felt in the moment, very bleak. You see, I have been well on my way to forming the identity that I always wanted to stand still in, with my constantly evolving self-esteem. Which seems to escalate my want and need for clarity. Why was I so unhappy with myself? Not only that, but… What did I do? What was so wrong, to not deserve happiness? I was baffled. It took many new moons to set the intention I really needed. I had so many goals when I started out. Having just recently separated from my ex-wife, and was starting to formulate a plan of coming back, bouncing back and building the life I knew I really deserved. It may sound corny, but in this instance, music really started to save my life. I originally thought music had a huge impact on me in high school. Then I was convinced after my first stent in rehab that music wise some thing I could never live without. After hearing the lyric in this Taylor Swift song, it was like the muddy water started to become clear. It’s apparent that now, all the lyrics speak to me. I am a writer, so it makes sense that I cling to damn near every syllable I hear in a song. I know that when I take pen to paper, or even when I talk into my journals that I keep online, I’m speaking my truth. No matter how scary, filthy, hilarious, or wonderful it gets, it’s true. Moving forward in my writing, I plan to be more transparent than ever before. I want to take time to really hit on some of the hard notes I have been dealing with multiple circumstances that left me questioning who, what, and how I have dealt with all of it in my life. Following, the realization that people, I thought that I knew, I couldn’t, possibly, because I had no clue what my core values were or “Who” I really was in the first place. Sure, I’ve taken the quizzes and all the magazines. I’ve read the books of analyzed psychology volumes and played tennis with several therapists. It’s like I would go back-and-forth with them, in a volley of wit. Just to see if I could stump them, not even really trying to get real with myself. People this went on for a really long time. I lived in a constant state of questioning everything I thought. This only continued to create a spinal column for my neuroses to stand up straight. So they did. Almost everything I’ve disliked about people I now see were character defects that I couldn’t stand about myself, and as time went on, it became clear that it was going to take a lot of hard, work to dig deep and pull my self out of the dark well, I had fallen into. Now is the time I am going to talk about faith, faith, so strong that it helps me crawl out of the bottom of the well by myself I just had a proverbial box of tools that came very handy in helping me to see the light. The help came in all forms, yet in these instances nine times out of 10 I had to start the ball rolling. I had to be the person that asked for help, or gave up something that I thought I had to have in order for something else to come my way. I will never forget the day that I split up with my ex. We have been trying therapy for months. I had a therapist, she had a therapist. We both had a therapist together. It seemed like we were doing all the right things, I had consistently been putting 1 foot in front of the other, and not questioning the process. Then like clockwork, my whole life was turned upside down, and I had to give up the comforts that I had in my marriage, and right away… if I wanted to get away. In the moment I felt like I was losing everything, but when I gave up my limiting beliefs, another door opened, and there was one of my closest friends helping me gain my independence. I just had to take the first step I had to realize that I couldn’t do everything by myself, and that I deserved a life that made me smile, laugh, and remember what it was to really live. Slowly, but surely, one day after another, it became even more clear, how just following the guidelines that I had read about and learned, from the Buddhist practitioners that I know, my whole life was changing. Right in front of me, and this time I wasn’t faking it. I was actually doing the work that it takes to know exactly who you are my friends. In Tibetan Buddhism, the new moon is considered a significant time for the accumulation of merit and wisdom. The new moon symbolizes the start of a new lunar cycle and is traditionally associated with new beginnings, fresh starts, and hope. It is believed that performing spiritual practices on the new moon can have a profound impact on one's spiritual development. Here is an awesome ritual that I found on BUDDHA GROVE that should make it simple enough, and hopefully bring some hopeful thoughts coming your way. New Moon Cleanse Use the lunar cycle as a chance to start fresh. Begin by decluttering your living space and smudging the area to rid it of negative energy. This will give you a clear mindset for the coming month. I. Meditate Clear your mind further by meditating with a healing gemstone, such as amazonite, malachite, or moonstone. II.Journal Reflect on the previous lunar cycle and write about your goals for the next one. Don't worry about style or tone, this is for you alone. III.Set an Intention Based on your reflections, create an intention for the coming cycle that focuses on a specific area of your life. IV.Ritualize Honor your intention with a personalized ritual. Light a candle, visualize your intention, or write it down and keep it in a visible place to remind yourself of your goals for this new lunar cycle. If you are at all interested in exploring this topic further, there are several resources available online. The Samye Institute offers a global meditation practice on the new moon, which can be found at the link provided. Those looking to do a new moon ritual can find guidance at the blog post by Buddhagroove, also linked above. Additionally, Women's Health Magazine provides information on how to use the power of the new moon to manifest one's best life. If you are into learning more about the new moon itself, The Old Farmer's Almanac provides a detailed explanation of what the new moon is and what it represents.
On a completely different note,
Don’tforget it’s Father’s Day, y’all, and ‘tis celebrated on the third Sunday in June. This day is an opportunity to honor and appreciate fathers and father figures for their contributions to our lives and society as a whole. I say this with an open heart , and I say this because I learned how to be REAL & HONEST from only a few people in my life. One of those people,, is my father. I have to take a special moment to say thank you to him for always being there. He has done nothing, but have my back through any amount of adversity in my life. He has taught me that I am capable of anything. I put my mind to, and that I’m strong enough to accomplish. Great things. Without him I don’t even know if this blog would be possible. He guides me still on a regular basis at 41 years old. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is always there to support me, even when he doesn’t agree, he can definitely still have an attitude about what I have going on however, he always finds the ability to turn a blind eye, and understand I come from a place of kindness, gratitude, and love. Every day I get to spend with him, I learn, I develop more patience, and I come to understand just how being different from someone can make your relationship so special. So take some time to tell those father figures in your life how much you love them it doesn’t matter if they are your father, Brother, Mother, Friend, Uncle, priest, pastor, teacher, or just someone you look up to wholeheartedly that has been a father to you, tell them you love them, give them a hug. If I’ve learned anything in the past month it’s how much of an important time early is, and how fast it goes.
Be Well Y’all
Wonder
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