I have 100 Lbs of beautiful baby lying next to me. She is my world...my dog... has become my world. Well to be honest she became my world the day I bought her, got her . She was bought for me .
Here I am now with her, my babe. I feel closer to her more than anything, or anyone else for that matter. I have been uncomfortable with loving for years. Loving men, women... myself. Knowing how to love, or act when love is staring at us in the face is different for all of us.
This is the hard lesson, not just hard, but almost intolerable.
Waking up alone, or sans puppy is an acquired taste, at least for me, in the beginning. I walked away from a three year relationship that I tell everyone was five, to make myself feel better about the fact I let it go instead of trying harder to love and be loved. I guess the added extra time makes it seem like “I really tried” when I did nothing of the sort. I ran.
According to Health insurer Cigna who took a nationwide survey of 20,000 adults , found that 54% of respondents said they feel like no one actually knows them well, NPR reports. Additionally, 56% of people said the people they surround themselves around “are not necessarily with them,” and approximately 40% said they “lack companionship,” their “relationships aren’t meaningful,” and that they feel “isolated from others.” Reading that made me tear up. All I want is for happiness, not just for me but every one I know, which is a Buddhist requirement you could say. I know what you are thinking as you read.
“ oh here is this self loathing chic, happy go lucky , pseudo Buddha that wants to identify and make a difference for relatability, or attention... happiness, uh yeah right... who the fuck is happy. “ which I respect, but is not true. I spend a lot of my time focusing on altruism, and equanimity. Deciphering the code that allows me to not see through rose colored glasses but to accept the differences while embracing inadequacy.
My 60 year old father scoffs every time I tell him to just breathe, or smile . Hell when I hug him it is like pulling teeth, I feel like he is scared of being close . I guess it was easier to wrap me up in love when I was younger. Then I realize how terrified I am of the exact same thing. Which makes me want to hug him even harder
My belief system as philosophical as it is carries an adherence to loving kindness, a non judgmental way of accepting not only others but myself. I came to find that’s half the battle. The acceptance of reality. No matter what the reality is, or what it holds for the future, because we are not guaranteed that anyway.
I am learning that it is that, a curve. Similar to what it’s like when you have an actuary for a parent and you are really great at math. I was raised with people that love in a very jaded way, I know codependency from birth I would say, that mixed with hatred of oneself builds a tough cookie. One that I would not even attempt to bite into, even when dipped in milk.
I am in a process of rebuilding
Like when a company rebrands
I can only do this now because I am capable, I am only capable because I really give a shit. About all of it. The whole big fucking picture.
Which makes me look at my dog, lying here quietly snoring while I write in bed. Now prey tell , what lover would do that, just be cool, and fall asleep.
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