I think the reason that I love sugar so much is because it makes me temporarily happy, happy enough to get over my current situation. I used to used drugs. Heavy ones. I had the need to separate from everyone and everything when I pushed off., and fell into a high. A high with zero commitment and boredom, no pain or regret. That’s why I feel things are not so different with sugar. My mind immediately goes to some type of fast food, or ice cream. I always crave ice cream, it’s oh so comforting taste, and texture... the best ice cream in the world (to me) is Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk. It is chocolate ice cream with white and dark chocolate perfect little chunks, pecans,walnuts and chocolate covered almonds . It’s the perfect blend of all that is a brownie without any gluten at all. Let me tell you, I could have been left at the alter, someone could die and I would want that ice cream, that and a Route 44 Ocean Water, from Sonic. It turns your shit green, y’know. I woke up one morning and was like “my liver is failing” nope it was the Ocean Water.
It has come to my attention that I have allowed it to be accepted that I am one of the strongest people that other people know, and yes I have been spending a lot of time fixing myself and making changes that have molded me into the person I have become today. Yes, strong is one of those things. I am opinionated, and right most of the time (ha ha) . I am persistent and genuine, I think because I don’t know how to be anything else anymore. I am finding in this part of my life, where the healing is deep and fulfilling that I am not as much of an Ice Queen as I want to be, or hope to be, and with that realization comes the need for smiles, and laughter and touch.
I absolutely cannot stand for someone to be in or even near my bubble sometimes. I explain it to people, it’s as if I’m getting burned by hot coals. I am so terrified of being vulnerable that I would rather eat a whole pint of ice cream rather than hold hands.
Giving up sugar and eating as careless as I used to has brought some shit to my attention. I feel freed from the discordances in my mind. Like I just woke up, and man I want some fucking donuts... but now I know they are just poison. Similar to drugs, or toxic people.
Talk later
♥️ Wonder
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