Nothing Is Forever

Lately, I have been feeling really down and depressed. It's not like before when I was in the c depths of this crazy disorder, just down. As an adult who is more aware of my surroundings and feelings, I now know for sure that I am struggling with depression.

It's Sunday today and I'm usually talking or at least thinking about my faith. I'm a Buddhist and I'm extremely grateful for it. Especially because if I weren't privy to the lightness of philosophy that Buddhism allows, I don't think I would be here today. I don't say that in jest. I believe that in life, we all struggle. Struggle can manifest in different forms such as loss, gain, health issues, financial problems, and loneliness. No matter what causes the struggle, I know that there is a way to overcome it entirely and completely if you really want it to end. It's called acceptance.

Speaking of acceptance, I have been using it to deal with my current struggle. Which is caused by the hopeless feeling that comes with depression. Today, I'm specifically talking about inconsideration. I mean, what in the hell is going on today? I feel like I can't get a handle on it for some reason. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's the lack of empathy or the way society has taught us to materialize and need so much all the time.

It's almost like people think they can treat others like complete garbage because there will always be another person who will follow, like or share them, and then they will have even more people to like, follow, and share with. It can infuriate me if I let it, so I have to take the time to do some soul searching to right-size myself and come to understand that most people are doing what they are taught and know. Most of us do what is comfortable, not chaotic. Just like me, I'm sure most people do not enjoy chaos. Yet, unlike me, most people avoid the issue altogether. One of the reasons I think I cannot stand Iit as a character defect . Mainly because it used to be one of my own. This is a typical construct of becoming aware of one’s self, I think. The realization of how big of an asshole one used to be. I know that I get pissed off when people are like that to me , purelybecause I used to be like that to people, and it reminds me of how big of an idiot I was then. Also how much better at three people today.

I'm different because today I have a moral compass of sorts. I can sit back, take inventory, and break down precisely why other people's inconsideration irritates me so much. For example, when a family member that you know needs help, a doctor's appointment, or a head examination, and they completely ignore it. On the surface, you might think that only hurts the person, right? It's not that simple.

I know that my love, unconditional as it may be, causes me to struggle because I worry too much. Maybe too much, but when I choose to love, that's just the way it goes. I'm also a recovering co-dependent person and will do anything to gain power over someone I love by "loving them to death" or enabling them if I'm not careful. In this situation, I have begun to separate myself. I do it without leaving completely and by staying on my side of the street. Maybe they don't want to realize their problems, maybe they cannot handle it, or perhaps they just do not want to know, which makes it even more frustrating. I have to let go of what does not serve me. I have to give it all the way up to the universe and trust that everything will be okay, even if it's not because, in all actuality, life goes on.

I also have an extremely hard time with people, both young and old, who feel that life completely revolves around them. I know at least a few thousand people, so I know they matter too. What about the rest of the human race? I suppose your coffee is more important than the person you cut in front of or like the girl at the customer service counter in the DIA. This poor girl, who I know was having a hard time, cut the line of like 15 people because I guess her plight was so much worse.

As I stood in line, waiting with the others, I began to see the others getting pissed, rightfully so, and chose to ask her, "Is your problem so much worse than ours? Just asking because we have all been here for at least 30 minutes." I think it may have blown her brain out of the side of her head because she looked at me like I had horns growing out of mine. I stayed calm, as I could and used another one of my moral gadgets, my empathy, to recognize the equanimity of the whole situation. We were all stuck there, in a line, doing the exact same thing. It didn't matter what color our skin was, how much money we had, or where we came from. We were all screwed in the same way.

When I'm feeling down, I look to the stars for guidance. They are our ghosts, far and away empty energy that we only see the light from because they are so far away. I look to the way things have cycled before, I look at patterns to break, and I look to myself.

I get frustrated to the point where I'm at today - depressed. I'm depressed right now because I feel so alone, and I feel incapable of helping the situation. Yet, as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to feel better. I'm not going to "bounce-back" and be okay, and I'm not going to get over the way we treat each other and how much we rely on the validation from others for every single thing we do as a society. However, I'm breaking away from it slowly but surely. At the same time, I'm attempting not to isolate myself and binge-watch all the Queer Eye episodes all over again! (I may anyway because I love the Fab Five).

I will continue to do this, share. I will continue to communicate with y'all, so you don't feel so alone either. It's kind of like Bubba and Forrest in Vietnam when they posted up against one another so their heads didn't fall in the mud. Think of me like that, attempting to communicate honest authenticity so others are not so scared to do the same thing.

I will not be depressed forever because nothing lasts forever. I will put myself out there and get more involved in the ways I can. It will be good for me and those I am of service to, and I feel better being productive. As always, I love you for reading and just for existing.

Be Well,

Wonder