No longer Bitter

I have been waiting to write this for a bit. I wanted all my ducks in a row, guess it's the control freaking me out. In 2018, I stopped doing everything "wrong" that I thought I was doing. I mean everything: drinking, smoking, having sex, shopping, you name it. I really thought the cosmos was punishing me for being such an ass. Here I was, 37, with no plan. I was completely lost. I realized that I had been living based on what everyone else thought I should be. I drove the car, dressed the way, and acted how everyone else "thought" I should, or at least that's what I thought.

I had an amazing job in sales up until just two years before, and in hindsight, that was when I started to figure it out, I think at least. I was in a seemingly great relationship, had a cushy place to live that my uncle owned and took care of, and like I said, the job was what some people would call "living the dream," or at least that's what I would say when people asked me how life had been. On the surface, it was exactly what everyone would think was perfect. It just was not for me, and I had no clue how to rectify the situation. I was coming to understand how empty I felt, so I quit my job and decided to teach yoga. My partner at the time helped spring for my classes, and there you have it, I was now what I thought "awakened" was, not so much.

I had barely begun to scratch the surface. I was taking the lazy way out of breaking it off with my partner, someone I truly loved and always will. He changed my kids and was the catalyst to me wanting true happiness. It was he who said I should do what I love regardless of the money. However, that ended so disgustingly on my part. I almost lost a friend, and I know it will never be the same because some things you just cannot undo. I look back, and I am sorry more now than ever, only because the ally was so true. This is one of the things I bring up today because a true ally is what I want in life. Be it a friend or lover, family or college, an ally is the best to have. Someone who is there no matter what, not wanting to change or objectify at all. Does that even exist?

My life has taught me that it is not a possibility without real people. To be real takes a lot, I mean a ton of love. Love? You ask, yes, love and acceptance. Those are the foundations of trust and the ability to be vulnerable. I know this now. It was something that took years of sadness, struggle, and disappointment to figure out. Yet it happened, and I am now better for it. I cling to it, actually. I crave authenticity. I get closer to it more and more each day. As some of my readers know, I was going through a divorce, not super ugly or gross, but I still feel like a failure. I feel like there is no way past the fact I gave up on something. Why is that? Do I think that because the relationship's toxicity just wasn't enough to end it, or like a lot of my friends that have stayed longer for the kid? Why do I feel like I lost in this? I attribute it to the norms that our society places on us, especially being part of the LGBTQ+ community. Like I should be more apt to try to stick it out since it's legal to be married.

Today, I am under a different impression. Today I found out that my divorce is final. I think the papers came in the mail on Friday. I was at work and forgot to get the mail. Saturday, I was busy, and I happened to see the mail on the living room table this morning as I was checking on my pops, who has been ill but is getting better. I picked up the data and walked downstairs to my wing of the house. I was bummed because my pops was feeling bad and tired from the festivities the day before. I plopped down on my down alternative comforter, grabbed my Harry Potter letter opener, and split the letter that looked ever so curious from the circuit court open. There it was, the dissolution of my partnership. The funny thing was that I was so happy. The smile that crossed my face ever so softly but fast was soon realized. Tears of joy began to fall down my cheeks, and I felt a total sense of renewal. It was like a ten-ton weight was lifted off my shoulders. All my doubt, shame, and fear were just gone. I spent some time calling a few friends, went up and told my dad, and then I just sat down and let it sink in for a moment.

I was no longer bitter. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of hanging out, loving, and being a part of one of my closest friend's weddings. I designed her bouquet, did her makeup, and was genuinely excited for this union, unbeknownst to me that MY divorce finalization was sitting on my living room table. I was captivated by their love and the love all around them. I met new friends that had their own disappointments that we related to. There are always skeptics at weddings, but I just was not one of those. After the wedding, I went to meet a friend who I have loved for almost 30 years. We connected on a level I was unsure was capable of happening, almost as if no time had passed at all. It was like magic. We talked about our lives and were able to relate to the topic of divorce, separation, and just now realizing that we actually need to know who we really are and what actually makes us happy. Refreshing is an understatement of the type of energy we shared. After I got home last night, I realized how loved I was as a single woman. Without a partner, with just me, and I was happy. I texted my friends I had the pleasure of spending time with all my love and played my rad on the pillow next to Nala. I was breathing deeper than ever before and fell asleep hard.

The fact that I found my finalization papers today was no coincidence. It was the universe, I am sure, smiling on me as soon as I realized that I am not a failure, I am FREE. Free from crazy expectations and dishonesty, from pressure and lack of understanding. But most of all, I was free from the mindset that I need someone to be whole again. I am whole and free. Free to be whatever orientation I want, free to explore my options or travel wherever. I have not lost at all. I gained a beautiful young lady I am privileged to call my friend and will always be there for when she needs me. A young lady who helped me learn my worth by teaching her of her own. I am forever grateful to my ex-partner for teaching me who I never want to be, how I never want to hide from who I am or who I love. I will always be my genuine, authentic self because realness is my only option in that arena.

Spirit will hit you. My spirit always does. It finds me and seeks me out. My higher power is stronger than ever before, and today I am reminded of just how precious my existence is and how much I matter. Not just to me, a person who used to put others first to ignore her problems. I am important to the girl in the mirror now, more than ever before. Yet the love that the universe has for me, that bleeds into my life through the beautiful humans that continue to grace my presence every single day. I am forever grateful for each and everyone one of you. And Nala Grace, never am I not grateful for my bestest best friend ever.

As always, I love you for reading.

Go tell someone you love them for me. Anyone. Just share the love, y'all.

Be well, Wonder